Hi!

In honor of St. Valentine's Day -- a super weird holiday, if you stop and think about it -- I wanted to share some emerging micro-trends I've noticed in recent months that indicate that our societal narratives around being in committed long-term relationships might be changing.

First up, consider these two studies:

1. Women who stay single and don't have kids are getting richer (bloomberg) According to the article, in addition to rising costs of living, and bearing the brunt of the child-rearing, working mothers are often subject to a "motherhood penalty" where they are estimated to lose 15% of annual income for each child under the age of five. (I covered the price of the gender tax when discussing burnout as a collective issue in a previous dispatch.)

2. The Rise of Lonely, Single Men (psychology today) Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise. The article states that men represent 62% of dating app users lowering their chances for matches. Apparently, women want partners who are emotionally available, good communicators, and who share their values. WHO KNEW?

In the digital culture space, two very different responses are popping up.

1. Helping Couples Raise Standards :

The first response is increasing discourse, a rise of online spaces where people are discussing their relationship dynamics (for better or worse) and popularizing several relationship terms:

• The Mental Load: The cognitive work involved in over-seeing the responsibilities and tasks required for running a household. The American Sociological Review, defines it as the "anticipation of needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress." In other words, it's everything from making sure the carpool schedule is sorted to meal planning and laundry.

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• Invisible Labor: Invisible work is all the tasks associated with running the household: making dinner, booking appointments, general tidying, making sure everyone's passport is renewed. In addition to managing the mental load, many women are stuck with actually doing most of the work due to gender-norms.

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• Weaponized Incompetence: a pattern of behavior where someone pretends to be bad at mundane tasks to avoid doing them. This isn't just in romantic relationships but can be present in workplaces, amongst friends, and siblings. Basically, they make such a fuss that it becomes easier for the other person to just do the task themselves.

While I knew about these concepts, I've only learned this official terminology recently. It seems that many women out there are getting fed up with their relationship status quo.

From what I've seen, it's rough out there.

Over the holidays I deep dived into the world of wives who spent days organizing every detail of the Christmas holidays so that the family can have a nice experience only to find nothing for themselves under the tree. Their own partners didn't buy them a gift, even when they sent ahead of list of things they'd like. ABHORRENT.

Apparently, this type of experience is a thing considering SNL did a whole skit on it:

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Here are some videos examples showing some less than stellar partnerships from creator Laura Danger, who has an entire 67 (and growing) video series on weaponized incompetence on Tiktok:

• ​Here's a husband who doesn't know his own sister in law's name. ​
• ​An example of mental load in action in a couple who are supposed to go to a friend's wedding. ​

Is it any wonder more women are choosing not to get married?

When women gained financial agency, they no longer needed to rely on men to survive. The introduction of birth control gave them more autonomy and the choice to decide if and when they wanted to have children. Many women are deciding that stereotypical gender norms where they are forced to do the bulk of the labor is no longer a good deal - and I don't blame them.

In case you need a reminder of what being a woman is like these days, here are some online spaces to check out:

🚩 WhenWomenRefuse: A depressing AF compilation of women who are attacked, hurt, or murdered for refusing a man's advances. If you've ever asked yourself, "why don't women just say no when a guy hits on them?" It's because when we do say no, we risk getting KILLED.

🚩 NiceGuys: Real life encounters of men who claim to be "nice guys" and then...are absolutely not. The amount of nice guys who use the c-word is astounding.

🚩 A few days ago, it was reported that in the UK firefighters had been taking revealing pictures of WOMEN WHO DIED IN CAR ACCIDENTS and making comments about their underwear.

🚩 Just a few days ago, an American police officer was arrested due to his involvement in the abduction and murder of a 16 year old girl.

🚩 Female mummies are more decomposed than their male counterparts because their families had to keep their bodies at home until they started decomposing to avoid MEN VIOLATING THEIR DEAD BODIES. Like, it was happening enough that a best practice had to be applied.

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2. Bro - do you even lift (standards)?

As women raise their standards in relationships, some men are not happy about it. They claim to love their partners, but are doubling down on misogynistic rhetoric. The biggest example of this is Andrew Tate, "alpha male influencer" and what relationship red flags would look like if they took human form.

He is currently being detained in Romania on charges of alleged human trafficking. He is known for encouraging his followers to physically assaults their partners as a form of dominance, and flaunts his wealth in the way that only a deeply insecure person can.

It would be laughable if he wasn't so dangerous. If you have young teenage boys I would highly encourage you to talk to them about Tate. I've had several friends who discovered their young sons were being exposed to his content online via their classmates.

Tate isn't alone. I am not linking to his content, it's gross.

There are more and more of these clips that insist that women are to blame, and that if we only shut up and went back to being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, marriages would be more successful.

Look at this winner:

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Do you think this person has ever...dated a woman? It's unclear if he even has a girlfriend or partner right now (shocking I know).

Watching this content I kept asking the same question: do these men even like women, like as people? (Answer: no.)

Beyond being the "alpha male" in the relationship, there seemed to be no interest in building an emotional connection with another person. They just want someone to clean up after them and be sexually available.

My dudes - just pay for a cleaning service and a sex doll.

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A Few Good Men

The one silver lining is that there IS a growing community of men who are actively stepping up in their own relationships and helping other men to do the same.

I get so happy on Tiktok every time I see male creators discussing these topics.

If you're wondering how I reconcile these facts with being married to a great man:

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3. The Fair Play Method

I believe that one of the root causes of these relationship conflicts stems from a lack of education and skills. I loved Eve Rodsky's book, Fair Play which creates a fun and easy process to talk about the equitable division of labor in a relationship in a relaxed and open way.

Basically, Eve says that the only way to avoid resentment and conflict is to sit down and create an agreed upon plan that assigns each partner specific responsibility over a chore. That way, there’s no mental load, there’s clear transparency, there’s no nagging, and everyone is on the same page.

Here’s a quick rundown of the key ideas and action items to get you started:

1. Identify your “fair share” by listing out all the tasks that need to be done at home, then divide them up based on your individual skills, strengths, and passions. Action item: Make a list of everything that needs to get done, divide them into categories and allocate them to each person based on skills, strengths and passions.
2. Communicate clearly and respectfully with your partner about expectations and boundaries. Action item: Have an open and honest conversation about what each person can and can’t handle, and make sure to listen to each other’s needs and concerns.
3. Create “household rules” that outline how decisions will be made and conflicts will be resolved. Action item: Write down some clear-cut rules and agreements that you and your partner can follow to ensure a smooth running household.
4. Use a “Fair Play” card system to keep track of tasks and hold each other accountable. Action item: Create a system of rewards and consequences that motivate both partners to keep up with their responsibilities.
5. Celebrate each other’s successes and acknowledge when someone has gone above and beyond. Action item: Show appreciation and gratitude towards each other when tasks are completed and goals are achieved.

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Jesse and I did this exercise because even though our tasks were evenly split, we'd never sat down and actually asked each other: do you want to be responsible for this task or is there something else you'd rather do?

For example, we have a stupidly low kitchen sink that hurts Jesse's back so he hates washing non-dishwasher items. No problem, I was happy to take on that task. I hate doing laundry, so Jesse owns it.

It was also nice to fully spell out all the tasks that need to happen to keep the house running smoothly, so the bonus is we're both more on top of everything.

Setting the domestic standards is SO important because we realized there were some differences in expectations that we were able to agree upon together. We didn't do the rewards and consequences, because that felt a little weird to us, but overall it was an extremely positive and helpful process.

Foush Update:

Currently: Being in Paris was a great jolt of culture and energy. We've started the renovations on our Parisian flat and by summer we'll be able to officially split time between the two again! Yay! I’m counting on my friend and taste-maker, Lindsey Tramuta, to help reacquaint me with the city again. Her list of 25 essential dishes to eat in Paris was recently published in T-Magazine. I'm taking it as a personal food challenge.

Up Next: I'll be in Boston next week speaking at MIT's Initiative on the Digital Economy for Thinkers-Fest 2023. (Register here, it's free!) My session will focus on the "splinternet" or how algorithms are dividing people and what we can do about it.